Week 6: Cash in the attic

Verity is away again this week and she’ll be sorry she missed Sir Alan finally serving up a nice hot steaming plate of justice to more than one deserving contestant.

It seems the producers did not listen to my pleas and insisted on starting the episode with a shot of Philip in the same greying banana hammock as last week. Hasn’t he packed anything else? Why couldn’t Howard and Loraine pick him a nice pair of tightie whities when they went to Asda last week? Did he learn nothing from Pants Man? This does not bode well.

The faceless lady tells him they must meet Sir Alan in ‘West London’ in half an hour. I wonder how they know where exactly in ‘West London’ they’re going to as she hasn’t given directions or anything.

Miraculously, they all make it to an auction house in Chiswick, where Sir Alan meets them, accompanied by a grumpy looking Nick and Margaret. This week’s task is about selling with a twist, and each team will be supplied with ten items, a mixture of old and new which they will have to value and sell for as much as they can in a day.

Goldilocks Kate is moved to Ignite, which will be managed by Philip, while Loo-roll (Noorul) goes to Empire. Percy Pig (aka Ben) is made project manager of Empire, a prospect he doesn’t squeal too happily about. It’s clear from the outset that the most important part of the task will be the valuation of the merchandise, as there are some gems in there worth more than all the rest, and it’s immediately obvious that this is the one thing both teams will fail to do; firstly because they’re all flapping around like headless chickens, and secondly because there just isn’t time to do it effectively and sell everything in just one day.

Among the goodies to flog is a life size prosthetic skeleton, a pair of vintage shoes, a box of books (some of which are valuable first editions), and the ace of the deck is a vintage rug worth £200. Guess which one Philip thinks is a ‘piece of crap’?

Ben is clearly nervous but affects confidence, his little piggy eyes narrowing as he boasts of how he’s a ‘natural born leader’ and reminds us that he got a scholarship to Sandhurst (well bully for you, Ben).

Over at Ignite, Philip claims to have turned over a new leaf. He admits he was ‘irrational in his thought processes last week’. (I must disagree; clearly Dance In Your Pants was a stroke of genius). He graciously asks that the rest of the team reign him in if he gets overexcited again. Goldilocks stresses they need to find a price that’s ‘just right’ for each item. Lorraine gets a touch of the David Dickinsons and immediately susses that the rug is valuable. De ja vu as Philip proceeds to shout over her and tells her she’s irrational.
In a bizarre twist, Ben decides James and Yasmina should take three items to sell, while he, Debra and Loo-roll have seven. Someone’s going to be going wee wee wee all the way home on this team, that’s for sure.

Meanwhile, Philip is convinced that Skeletor is the golden ticket, but Lorraine suggests they might want to get the rug valued just in case. “Everything that comes out of her mouth is b****cks” says prince charming, who drags the team (and poor old Skeletor) to a nearby pub. Unbelievably, they find a serious buyer among the punters, who agrees to front up £160 for him. Skeletor looks relived to have found a home away from the increasingly psycho Philip. Maragret thinks Ignite have been very lucky.

Things are moving along for Empire too, as Debra manages to secure the sale of an original James Bond book for £100. James and Yasmina offload 8 kilos of jellied eels and a poster of Frank Lampard, but somehow they can’t find a buyer for the £200 rug.

Philip remains convinced that his rug is just tat, so he takes it to a street market. Margaret is the angriest I’ve ever seen her, and disclaims this as ‘the most stupid activity they have yet engaged with’. Lorraine is concerned they still haven’t valued the rug, but no one can stop hurricane Phil at this point.
Skeletor’s ugly half sister is making tracks over at Empire. Loo-roll has found a prospective buyer and discovered that it’s is actually worth about £150. Debra is delighted – “even in death the skeleton has a meeting’, she laughs. It’s pretty amazing because her face doesn’t move a muscle – Debra’s that is, but then who can tell the difference? The buyer drives a hard bargain, but Loo-roll doesn’t know how to deal with it and goes completely blank. Ben steps in and ends up selling it for a mere £60.

The rug remains a sticking point for both teams, as James takes his on a tour of North London’s rug shops and Philip hawks his door to door. Margaret is speechless that Ignite has completely ignored its value all day and, more importantly, ignored Lorraine again. “They’ll be lucky if they get £10 the way they’re going”.

My moment of the week happens over at Empire, when Ben can’t find a taker for their commode chair. “Try and sell it as a vintage fashion item rather than what it is”, he says helpfully. “But it’s a chair you s**t in”, remarks Debra (and no, she didn’t say sit!). The dealer seems bemused that three people in suits have come to sell him a toilet chair. Still, stranger things have happened to Pants Man. Ben is absolutely desperate to get rid of it and wonders aloud if he should pay the dealer to take it off his hands. Luckily, Debra restrains him. Piggy squeals to Yasmina and James over the phone to come back and help, but they’ve still got their rug to sell.

To market, to market and piggy wants to sell a whole box full of items (including the vintage shoes) to ‘some freak’ for £1. Nick thinks Ben needs to get a grip. I think he needs to get his coat.
Yasmina and James finally get rid of the blasted rug for £55 on their way home. Philip doesn’t fare much better, selling it to a man in the street for £50. “That was the gem” says Lorraine. Raging bull is on the loose again, as Philip shouts at Lorraine for not telling him sooner. It’s all she’s been saying since the programme began. Methinks someone has had his fingers in his ears.

Back at the boardroom, Sir Alan looks weary. “The devil was in the detail”, he says. He claims that a bit like himself, the items weren’t much to look at but were worth a lot. (It’s funny because it’s true!)
He’s also keen to know if Philip and Lorraine have gotten over their differences. Can Ben fly?! Of course they haven’t, but they say yes anyway.

Margaret calls Lorraine the ‘Cassandra’ of the team, saying she always has the right instincts but no one ever believes her, least of all Philip. (Wasn’t Cassandra Rodney’s wife in Only Fools and Horses?)
Ignite are off the hook, however, making a loss of just £34 to Empire’s whopping £162. Philip’s not off the hook yet though. Sir Alan’s beady eyes are on him now and they’re not liking what they see: “You’ve got a mind like concrete; you’re set in your ways”, he tells him.

As for Ben’s team, Sir Alan dispenses a warning: “You might be needing that commode chair because one of you is getting fired”. I start to wonder whether indeed anyone has pooed upon hearing they were fired. If so, this could be a messy one.

In the grotty cafe, Ben tells his team he ‘doesn’t want everybody slating each other’ when they get back to the boardroom, before proceeding to tell the camera crew in secret that this is exactly what he intends to do.
He is true to his word, but Nick acknowledges that the skeleton deal wouldn’t have happened at all without Ben, as Loo-roll lost all power of speech when it came to negotiations. This really gets Loo-roll’s goat, who blames Ben for being desperate to sell it at any price. Debra also blames Ben for his poor management skills. She’s getting quite fighty and shouty, especially when Nick tries to come to Ben’s defence. This is more Sir Alan can take. “Don’t talk to Nick like he’s a second class citizen. Talk to me”, he says. I’ve never seen this side of him before. What a big softie.

Ben has to choose two people to bring back with him, but it’s harder than he thought. Loo-roll and James are his first choices. “Whaat?!” yelps James. Ben umms and aahs for a while and says he is torn between James and Debra. Debra puts her fight face on. This is the same face as usual but you can tell she’s straining to let a frown cross it. “I’m well up for it”, she says (‘bring it on, b***h’ being the subtext). Ben settles on Debra and Loo-roll. Loo-roll is incensed.

It was the bike and the skeleton that broke the camel’s back according to Sir Alan, both of which were Loo-roll’s doing, he reckons. Ben was a defeated man from the start, he says, but a lively defence wins him over. Loo-roll is hopping mad and almost spitting with rage. He launches a dirty attack on Ben, saying that piggy face was only in it for the magazine deals and to get his kit off. (Please, no more! My poor eyes couldn’t take it!)

Loo-roll has clearly had an easy ride so far. “You’ve escaped the radar so far, but not today. You’re fired”, says Sir Alan with characteristic nonchalance. Finally! “Whoever employs him had better get a receipt”, he quips to Nick.

Debra has been warned to keep her big frozen gob in check next week, while Ben is clearly on thin ice with everybody. It seems Sir Alan certainly knows how to sort the junk from the gems.

Next week: It looks like there’ll be more markets and more flogging, this time oop North where the punters don’t mince their words.

Gina Dyer is deputy editor business and finance at Sift Media