Week 7: True colours

No Verity again this week but I’m grateful for a chance to come back and right a few past wrongs. With nine candidates left, the competition is growing fiercer.

Sir Alan’s search for his next Apprentice is fast gathering all the elements of a Shakespearean tragedy, complete with an ancient feud (Philip and Lorraine broke to new mutiny this week), star-crossed lovers (it’s mating season for Kate and Philip) and a final boardroom bloodbath where revenge and treachery are meted out in equal measure.

This week…

The teams hear pitches from several inventors and then have to select two products each from a selection of weird and wacky rejects from the QVC channel. Sir Alan has organised two meetings with large retailers for each team, and they have to sell as many units as possible to these buyers and any others they find in 24 hours. So far, so blah, but as with most tragedies it all starts with a little light comedy.

The candidates are summoned to the mysterious sounding ‘London Gateway’. It sounds like some kind of medieval hanging site and I secretly hope they’ll put Philip in the stocks and put him out of his misery. Everyone else seems to think it’s an airport. “I hope we’re going somewhere exotic”, sighs Goldilocks Kate. Ben excitedly rushes to pack his swimming trunks, while Philip dreams of bikini clad women by the pool.

Imagine their disappointment when they pull up to a service station at the start of the M1. Sir Alan grandly hails the rain splattered tarmac as ‘the gateway to the North’. His crew are to set off on a noble voyage to the far distant lands of Manchester and Liverpool. (Well, I suppose we are in the middle of a recession. Perhaps Sir Alan is trying to save a few pennies). Debra lets out a snort. I think she is trying to giggle but her frozen face can’t quite manage it.

In a bid to shake things up a bit (as if we haven’t had enough of that already), Sir Alan moves Mona and Howard the bug eyed sprite to Empire, while Ben and Yasmina join Ignite. Goldilocks says she’s confident with her team. Ben admires Kate’s sales skills (and no, that’s not a euphemism I don’t think). “I’d buy anything off her”, grins Philip (this one clearly is, but then why buy the shop when you can get the goods for free, Philip?)

Both James the village idiot (can you believe he’s still here?) and beauty queen Mona volunteer to project manage for Empire. James cedes to Mona as she is clearly ‘desperate’ for it. I’m sensing a little frisson between these two, but perhaps I’m barking up the wrong tree.

Over at Ignite, Lorraine clearly feels a need to prove herself after last week’s showdown with Philip and launches an election campaign on her peers, canvassing for their votes. Kate and Ben back her straight away, followed by Yasmina and Philip, who seems keen to build bridges after being accused of bullying her last week.

Having won the vote, Lorraine sets out a rather bizarre manifesto, reminding the team that her instincts are good, but admits her thought processes are slow, although she always gets there in the end. (Imagine if Obama had said that: “Yes we can…but it might take a while”). Despite these hiccups, it’s still one of the most efficient takeover bids I’ve ever seen on The Apprentice as she has the team’s full support – at least for now.

Later, the merry courts of Ignite and Empire are entertained by a parade of losers touting such innovative devices as a ‘ladder limpet’ (looks like some kind of sex toy for builders), a squeezy ball and a bendy coat rack. One man begins his pitch by opening up his lonely heart to Ignite, before explaining why they should choose his ‘Lovers’ Lead’ (a dog leash which two people can hold). They’re not too fussed about the product but Yasmina offers him a cuddle.

Empire love Mr Lonely Hearts, and take on the two person doggie device, along with a big squidgy yellow sleeping bag suit which looks a bit like a radioactive version of Neil Armstrong’s moon landing outfit. Mona tries it on and rolls around a bit. Somehow, it rather suits her. James looks excited – not sure if it’s Mona’s spacelady sex appeal or the thought of all the cash they are (not) going to make with this.

Ignite go for a cardboard box shaped like a fire engine (apparently a ‘cat’s playhouse’). Ben thinks the margins will be great on this one (er, ok, if you say so). Their second item looks more promising, an expandable bike pod to put your shopping in. Yasmina worries whether it could cause the bike to lose balance, but Lorraine insists it’s brilliant and they’ll shift loads of these. Remember, Margaret praised her instincts last week, so everyone seems inclined to believe her (me included).

For some unknown reason, Ignite decide to split into two sub teams, with Lorraine and Yasmina on one side and three amigos Kate, Philip and Ben on the other. Lorraine and Yasmina head to their first appointment with a rather stern looking duo of department store buyers. Baldy boss man hates both the products, and the two Igniters do a poor job of fighting their corner. Afterwards Lorraine admits it was the worst pitch she’s done in 20 years.

Admittedly, it was painful to watch, but Debra and Howard don’t fare much better with these buyers either. Baldy hates the Lovers’ Lead and looks ready to get up and leave when the yellow spaceman suit comes out. (Perhaps they should have sent Mona to roll around a bit in it?)

The pair don’t fare much better at trendy lifestyle emporium Heal’s in Manchester, where a lady with a pudding bowl haircut tells them their spacesuit isn’t stylish enough for her. Now that’s criticism.
She turns out to be much nicer than baldy when Lorraine and Yasmina stop by, and seems interested in both the bike pod and the cats’ playhouse.

Meanwhile, the three amigos are having a whale of a time. Lorraine calls to see how many meetings the trio have booked for the next day and is horrified to learn they have only secured one. Ben claims to have made ten calls but with no success, while Kate says it’s closer to 20. They don’t seem to be trying too hard. “Let’s just go to the pub”, grins Philip.

Ben secures a meeting with Pets at Home, the UK’s biggest pet retailer. Lorraine sees this as her chance to shine, and tells Yasmina in no uncertain terms that she intends to lead the pitch. Yasmina puts up a spirited protest, but Lorraine argues that she has superior sales and presentation skills, so that’s the end of that.
It looks like she might be in for an easy ride, as Debra has put the friendly Pets at Home ladies in a good mood. They seem impressed with the Lovers’ Lead and suggest purchasing 200 as a trial run.

Unfortunately, Lorraine has completely unrealistic expectations of her pitch and is hoping to sell 20,000 units. She goes in, all guns blazing and immediately puts the buyers in a bad mood by being incredibly patronizing and confrontational. She begins the bargaining process much too early and they finally settle on an order of 50 units, way below her expected amount. “We couldn’t have done it better if we tried”, Lorraine sighs afterwards. Keep telling yourself that, love.

A phone call to the three amigos solidifies the Ignite rift. Ben, Kate and Philip have all failed to secure orders. “You need to get an order because it will look poor in the boardroom tomorrow”, warns Lorraine. Ben is unimpressed to say the least. It’s clear these three will stand together in the boardroom, whatever Lorraine says.

“What’s distracting them?”, wonders Lorraine. “I hope it’s not Kate’s beauty”, she mutters. Miaow! (I think they’re all dying to see Lorraine fall on her arse and have a sneaky suspicion this is exactly what’s going to happen).

Empire are sticking together (just about), although Howard is more boggly eyed than ever and accuses Debra of not being a team player and only focusing on securing sales for herself. “Short of rapping her round the head, I’m not sure what I can do”. I would pay good money to see that fight.

After unsuccessfully pitching the cat playhouse to a small pet shop owner who doesn’t mince his words about how rubbish it is, Lorraine admits that Ignite’s chosen products were probably not the best ones. It looks like Lorraine could be done for.

Back at the boardroom Yasmina stands by Lorraine but Kate is quick to kick her while she’s down. She says Lorraine’s leadership ‘lacked structure’ and relied too heavily on instinct. Ouch.

Unsurprisingly, Empire win the day with sales of £4501 to Ignite’s £1302. Lorraine raked in £807 of Ignite’s total, while Yasmina netted £497. With no sales between them, the three amigos face the stony glare of Sir Alan.

Off to the grotty café and surprise surprise, Philip blames Lorraine. “She blew it, simple as that”, he spits, before gleefully quipping “it’s time for Mystic Meg to go back inside her crystal ball”. Lorraine complains that Philip was hard to motivate during the task. “Unless I put a bomb under his bottom I don’t know how I could have moved him”, she whines. That sounds like a rather good strategy to me.

“What the hell went wrong?” bellows Sir Alan when the group return. He immediately lays into the three amigos. Sales is the only language Sir Alan understands and from where he’s sitting these three chumps aren’t speaking. Philip is bewildered because apparently they were the three best sales people in the team. I’m not a salesperson, but I thought that in order to be good at it you have to sell stuff? Sir Alan agrees with me and puts a stop to this nonsense.

Lorraine isn’t faring much better. It’s clear that she bungled her pitches and was unclear on order quantities. “What did your instinct tell you?”, taunts Philip sarcastically.

Ben and Yasmina make a lucky escape, as Lorraine chooses Kate and Philip to face the wrath of Sir Alan with her. Lorraine is accused of alienating people, but Margaret fights her corner, saying it was only Kate and Philip who had a problem with her.

Philip admits his worst qualities are his arrogance and big head. (You said it!) Sir Alan is clearly disappointed with him. “You’re always criticising me”, whinges Philip, “Lorraine gets away with murder.”

Lorraine has the look of a spider circling a drain about to be flushed away, when she suddenly decides to tell Sir Alan about the ‘close friendship’ between Kate and Philip and says they were distracted. (Ooh, a low blow!) The lovebirds look incensed. Goldilocks becomes the bear, suddenly turning on her former flame. ”I don’t have any loyalties, even to Philip. I’m here to win”, hisses Kate, before decrying Lorraine’s ‘cheap tactic’.

Philip’s eyes are flaming red as he trembles with anger in his seat. I can’t work out who he feels more betrayed by – Kate for her lack of loyalty or Lorraine for using his lovelife against him. Sir Alan has made his decision. Hothead Philip gets the boot. His bravado and attitude let him down. “It’s a joke”, mutters Philip as he walks out.

Although Lorraine lives to see out another week, I can’t help feeling like she’s done for. There are no winners here.

“They’ll remember me”, mutters Philip in the taxi home. “Unfortunately they’ll also remember Pants Man”. Yes, indeed.

Next week: The teams face the unenviable task of ‘rebranding’ the seaside town of Margate. It looks like a good ‘un, as we see Howard asking people if they are “up for same sex kissing?”, while James is seen shouting “stop looking, we’re not making a porno”! I can’t wait!

Gina Dyer is deputy editor of AccountingWEB.co.uk