Week 3: Buns of steel

I can hardly believe that it is already week three, time is flying and already we have seen the back of two candidates. Last night's episode was mightily entertaining as the hapless apprentices were tasked with inventing a new piece of portable gym equipment that would be pitched to three major retailers, and the team who had the most orders...ah, you know the drill.

It always seems to be around week three that I have a change of heart about which apprentices I have an unhealthy loathing for. And I have been particularly mean about poor Philip, although he actually he proved that he had a softer side this week. Of course all of the candidates are regular people who are encouraged to be arses by the BBC production team, so let's not forget that.

So, it begins. The team is woken at some ungodly hour and we witness Lorraine 'sans make-up' and support underwear (eek!) racing for the phone. It's Frances and she wants the teams to be ready in half an hour. They all scrub up well.

When they arrive at Lee Valley, the elite Olympic training ground in East London, Suralan promptly mixes up the teams moving Kate, a Brummy version of Heather Mills, and Cream Puff aka Kimberly, over to Empire while stealing away Philip and Noorul (the teacher who loves the sound of his own voice) to join Ignite.

The usual argument over who will lead the teams ensues. Feisty-faced Debra says she wants to do it. Lorraine, now fully supported, counters with her own proposal. The girl with big hair (Paula?) who doesn't seem to ever do much, warns Debra she needs to be able to keep her own personality in check - agreed. Debra is PM and Lorraine looks crestfallen.

Over at Empire's HQ (the next room I presume) James, fresh from his urine-soaked experience in the boardroom after the almighty cock-up that was last week's catering task, is adamant. He doesn't want to be thought of as a banana skin, hell no! He'll stick that banana skin down their throats.

They all agree that James can indeed be culpable, I mean project manager, and the discussions begin in earnest. Ben, the Scottish one who fancies himself, wants to create something sexy, because sex sells, it shouldn't be a pointless exercise in pleasure, no, it should give you buns of steel at the same time. James is not having any of it, and everyone else looks a little queasy. Full of ideas and clearly on a roll (after all, he is the only one that has ever graced the door of a gym) Ben suggests some kind of bingo wing battler and comes up with the catchy but tacky: 'Bingo Buster' – James counters with his wittily named 'Rear Arm Mechanical Improver'. The rest of the team whoop and holler, particularly the New York Cream Puff. They loves it. 'Bingo Buster' it is.

Ignite are struggling. Debra barks a lot like a scrappy little dog and is clearly a power freak. Philip has an idea that will blow the Swiss Ball out of the water – it's the same thing but, wait for it, it’s a cube. Debra thinks that her ankle exerciser for old people is a winner. I can just envision millions of snapping tendons in care homes across the country. It's not very popular with anyone, except batty Lorraine, who I am beginning to wonder is actually a genuine candidate and not a tourist who accidentally got included in the head count during the opening credits when they walk across London Bridge.

Armed with their ideas, they head off to speak to a personal trainer to gauge what is popular and whether their products will sell. They are told in no uncertain terms that both ideas are pants. Back to the drawing board. Philip has a light bulb moment and comes up with the 'Bum Ball' – which is actually not a bad idea. By Jove, I think they have got it! They describe their product to the waiting design team.

Empire meanwhile gets their feedback and is told that they need to keep their Bingo Buster simple: "Don't turn it into a gym in a box", whines James. With those words ringing in their ears, Maj, Ben and Creamy Puffy Kim promptly add a load of bells and whistles.

Cut to the next day. The prototypes arrive. The newly named 'Body Rocka' is really impressive, Phil did good. The same can't be said for Empire's effort which looks worryingly like an amp with all its wires hanging out. The look on James face is pure fear. I worry he may have wet his pants.

Both teams have to get together some Point-of-Sale material in the form of a poster. Debra is all over it. Literally. Yasmina moans that she is no fun. Off they toddle to the printers. Job done. Lorraine, meanwhile, has pestered to do the pitch – Debra, through gritted teeth relents. She's not very good, making me more certain about my tourist theory. However, she manages to pull it off, despite talking to the John Lewis buyers like they are idiots with poor hearing. No one seems particularly interested in the Bingo Wing team's amp and they look genuinely embarrassed. Ben slapping his own arse doesn't help matters.

Time to face the music. In the boardroom, Suralan does his usual probing. Good team leader? Debra is poised and ready to drop Lorraine in the shtick saying how she did her best (110% apparently) but Sir A doesn't like bad mathematicians, Debra's cheeks redden. Phil (as I am calling him cuz I like him more now) sticks up for Lorraine. Debra is now scarlet. Suralan announces that Ignite have won – by lots! The old 'Body Rocka' was a winner, and I feel warm inside when he says it was down to Lorraine and Phil.

Empire is forced to sit in the manky cafe drinking mugs of weak tea. "Where did it go wrong?", wonders James. Hmm? Ben is not being blamed for everything he says, Maj is so chilled out he's comatose and Cream Puff looks sheepish. James calls back Maj and Ben into the boardroom.

At this point there is so much shouting and bawling, naming and blaming. I find it really irritating. I think Ben should have gone; he's arrogant and doesn't listen. James tried to manage him, but couldn't, and his biggest mistake was not attending the design meeting. Sir Alan, the wise old coot, gives James another chance and poor old Maj is given the boot.

He seemed a nice fella, but as we now know, keeping under the radar (watch out Paula!) is no way to guarantee immunity from the finger of doom. However, my faith has been restored by Phil and that fact that despite being an estate agent, he may not be a one trick pony. He is now my One To Watch.

Let's hope that we see some of the quieter ones (Paula, Kim, Noorul) come to the fore. Next week, we see another foodie task. Will James curtail his incontinence, can Debra stop barking? Will Cream Puff ever get to make her point? We'll just have to wait and see.