Week 4: The Great Sandalwood Swindle

Last night's Apprentice had me swearing at the screen I was so enraged by the back-stabiness displayed by of some of the candidates. And it was really the first time that I have totally disagreed with Sir A's decision.

So for those who didn't see it, the task this week was to create some natural body care products. Suralan got the teams to meet him at Kew Gardens which, as usual, has some kind of tenuous link to the task in hand. He also placed Paula (big hair, Brummy, HR lady) and Noorul (or Loo-Roll as I now call him due to the fact that he was so crap at project management) in charge of the teams and mixed them about a bit. This, I feel, was a stroke of genius on Suralan's part as this inadvertently created the greatest comedy trio since The Three Stooges – aka Lorraine, Phil and Cream Puff who managed to provide some great comedy moments.

Teams decided, they headed over to what I suspect was the Lush HQ in Poole, Dorset. Empire, PM'd by Paula, set about deciding which natural products they wanted and settled on seaweed. Kate, Debra and James, whose pathological fear of crabs nearly prompted a return of his stress incontinence, scooped up the goods from Poole harbour. Ignite; meanwhile, opted for honey as their natural ingredient and The Three Stooges were dispatched to collect it. More hilarity from the hapless Lorraine after she reveals her hatred of bees whilst knee deep in an angry swarm.

Perhaps the biggest boob of the series was committed by 'wolf in sheep's clothing' Yasmina and my new nemesis, arse-slapper extraordinaire, Ben, who despite both being asked by Paula 'I don't do numbers' Jones to do the costing, managed to make the most monumental miscalculation.

Ben quickly washed his hands of any responsibility, citing that "this beauty lark was all a lot of girly nonsense" as his reason for being a complete snake in the grass – and making sure he said it to camera enough times so no one could say he didn't. Yasmina got totally side tracked sniffing essential oils, and neglected to tell Paula that sandalwood costs over a grand a kilo and that she was lobbing 700 quids worth into a vat with some manky seaweed. It took Debra to point out the error and Nick to rub bath salts into the wound before the proverbial penny dropped.

On the plus side, Paula rocked the marketing with great packaging and branding which made Ignite's shower gel look like urine samples and their soap like something to spread on your toast rather than lather over your bits. To prove its effectiveness, Philip gallantly soaped up in the shower amidst claims that the suds were indeed luxurious and not in fact a leaky bar of honey that would matt up his chest hair.

On to the sell! Empire's posh and pricey soaps and shower gels sold at Portobello Market like hot cakes, while Ignite's honey products picked up steadily despite Loo-Roll's ill-fated idea of dressing up in bee-keeper's outfits. He failed to sell a bean and even made The Three Stooges leave their lucrative pitch in favour of Bond Street Tube. Yet more comedy moments were provided courtesy of Lorraine's superior sales technique which involved threatening people to take the product off her whilst lunging at them like a lunatic in a bio-chemical disaster suit.

Eventually they were selling off soaps and shower gels at three for a pound. Empire scored a coup when they managed to sell a job lot to a trader for £400 and it looked as though they might even make it out of the gargantuan pit of sandalwood that Ben and Yasmina dug with their own back-stabbing hands.

Back in the boardroom, Suralan looked particularly perky – perhaps the prospect of loadsamoney caused his eyes to gleam so? Ignite was disconcertingly pleasant about Loo-Roll considering he was the most ineffective sales person in the history of The Apprentice while the knives were soon out for Paula over on Empire.

Clearly despite Noorul's poor management and The Stooges comedy bickering, Ignite managed to claw their way to victory and were sent off to make sushi and drink posh saki while Empire got to mope in the caff across the road. Paula had already decided to bring Ben and Yasmina back into the boardroom with her. Ben wasn't happy and mumbled through his cat's arse mouth that if she tried to pin the Great Sandalwood Swindle on him, he'd bite her teeth out (Sandhurst would not approve).

Sir Alan however was smitten with the product, Paula did good, says he. Ben got more than his tuppenceworth in and also made an embarrassingly futile last ditch attempt at winning over Suralan by mentioning that he'd won a scholarship to Sandhurst, while Yasmina sneakily managed to stay out of it for the most part.

The whole boardroom scene was reminiscent of a wildlife documentary; the hyenas circling the wounded gazelle, ready to pick the meat of her dead bones. Nice fluffy Paula didn't stand a chance. Perhaps she should have stayed in the safety of the HR department where rainbows abound and nasty people simply don't exist, and if they do, they are quickly given a hug and told how special they are.

Sir A had heard enough. Paula, he decided was ultimately responsible (no!) as he hates bad mathematicians (remember last week, people?) and she got the old heave ho, but I don't think that she was culpable. Her biggest mistake was selecting the two people most likely to sell your kidney while you're sleeping to do the all-important costing, and her second error was not standing up for herself.

We know the big man likes a fighter – perhaps that's why Ben is still here? And as for Yasmina, she surely has a guardian angel watching over her. Did anyone notice the gleeful way she told the remaining candidates that she'd sell every last one of them up the Khyber if she had to. A comforting thought.

Next week is my favourite kind of task – an advertising and marketing campaign for a children's cereal, it looks like something to do with pants. The Stooges are reunited, and I wonder if Philip could possibly sound any more incoherent? I am thinking of putting on the subtitles next week. Till next time.

Verity Gough is deputy editor corporate at Sift Media.