Week 10: The recession episode

Usually the TV selling task is the highlight of my Apprentice viewing but I must say last night was a big, fat disappointment. Perhaps I had built it up in my mind too much? Or perhaps I am simply lamenting the days of James Max (series 1) the posh but lovable buffoon who wore that now famous ‘wolf jacket’ with the professionalism of a Freeman’s catalogue model, or Simon “Surprise Winner” Ambrose’s seductive fumblings with a trampoline leg. But no, while there were some fleeting glimpses, it could never be described as telly gold, maybe a scuffed-up bronze.

So the title of this blog is The Recession Episode, and not only because the entertainment was a bit thin on the ground, but it seems that even Big Shugga himself is suffering the ill effects of the current downturn. But more on that later...

Yes, it was the mother of all tasks which saw the teams dragged over to Alexander Palace at some ungodly hour of the morning. This challenge, says Suralan, is not about finding a TV presenter (visions of some big-cheese producer inviting them to front the next great show: Britain’s Got Balls or something manifest in the candidates' minds) but to see how good they are at selecting the right products and pitching them at the right price.

By now, you would have thought that this would be easy-peasy lemon-squeezy but within seconds of finding out the task, the squabbling in Empire’s ranks reverberates around the walls of Ally Pally. Debra and Yasmina both want to be PM. Like a pit-bull with a firm grip on its victim’s ankle, Debra just won’t give in. Would it really hurt cha to be a bit nice, just the once, hmm, Debs? Would it?

Over on Ignite, Kate, Howard and Lozza all seem kind of weirdly happy and amicably agreeable. I feel like I have stumbled into an alternate world. Howard, it is decided, shall be PM. Again, they discuss their strategy in a calm, controlled manner, but something isn’t quite right? I soon realise that Lorraine’s Instinct hasn’t put in a meddlesome appearance yet, but I shouldn’t worry, it’ll be about somewhere.

Once they are at the studios, they are invited to choose products from some gargantuan Ikea-esque storeroom, and after seeing miles and miles of tat that you couldn’t give away at a car boot sale, I question whether we are actually in Ikea. The teams have to choose four products, and split into two teams, one couple and one solo presenter. They all start practising their presenting skills and it becomes clear p-r-e-t-t-y quickly that if Lorraine is going to be unleashed on unwitting viewers she needs to have a carer, um I mean, partner, with her. Her product: a satnav, her selling tactic: babbling about speeding, car crashes and horrific accidents – does she even know what a satnav does? Kate is up next, and she too is totally useless.

Howard decides to put himself with Lozza. It’s a bit of an odd decision though as I think he is really good, despite looking like he’s filed his teeth into sharp points so he can filter out gristle and sinew more effectively when feeding off rotting corpses. In comparison, Team Noise as I am now dubbing them thanks to the high-pitched screechings of Debs and Yasmina – are excellent. James and Yas fawn and paw one another like newlyweds, I am really impressed. Debra, meanwhile (and if you happened across her, ahem, ‘exposé’ in yesterday’s Daily Mail you’ll know what I mean) has clearly got her sights on a presenting job post-Apprentice. The girl did good. Funnily enough, her plastic face works on that type of telly programme – maybe because 99% of the products are made of unnatural fibres? By this point, I am actually getting a bit more excited about watching them present live....

But first they need to choose their products, and what’s more Suralan has added a cunning twist – the solo seller has to punt the couples’ products and vice-versa. Kate is off on her own and plumps for two high risk products: an oxymoronic low fat deep fat fryer – and possibly the rankest jacket ever to be seen by the naked eye – but it’s real leather (and 100% polyester) so that’s ok. Howard meanwhile is perched happily on his fence, not wanting to push the boat out and opt for a high risk product; he favours the cheap and tacky air guitar toy while Lorraine wants a dino robot thing which costs a hefty £200 plus quid: “I really like it,” she coos. Howard nearly develops a tick at the mere thought of this. However, today, the Instinct seems a little subdued and Howard gets his way. They also choose a mind-numbingly boring product that involves sticking pins into polystyrene pets – a sort of voodoo craft activity for animal haters. Kate’s gonna love it.

Ever the cost-cutter, old No-Frills Yasmina decides to keep it cheap, and opts for the Grab-o-Saurus – a gardening tool for lazy people who can’t be bothered to bend over, and a totally pointless snood-scarf – Debra looks horrified at the prospect of it even touching her hair. Yasmina and James have to sell a crummy remote control car and a vomit-inducing hair accessory which screams: ‘Forget Croydon facelifts, girls, this is the must-have item we’ll all be wearing down Mecca bingo.’

When the time comes for ‘action!’ Howard and Lorraine spring to life and are actually quite good, despite Lozza’s 'embarrasing-mum' act, and Sir A, watching a plasma screen in his office, seems to be quite impressed with their choice of products. He does mumble that they should be hammering home the price and the telephone and web details rather than whitter on about chips. Kate fares a little better but it does get a bit cringey watching her perform air guitar moves. I fear that all this frisson of activity may cause the manmade fibres about the studio to alight.

On to Empire. James and Yasmina’s honeymoon period is well and truly over. They fluff up, announce the wrong price for the hair-do-ruiners and generally seem to be a bit lost, saved only by James pithy one-liners. Enter Debra. A vision is her tie-dyed whodjamaflip to which she regally refers as “The answer to the scarf.” Debra’s chances of making it big in telly-selling go off the charts. She even manages to make the Grab-o-Saurus look like something worth having at the back of the tool shed. Still, with no high price items in the mix, it looks as if it is all over for Empire.

Back in the boardroom and again there is an unusual absence of caterwauling and back-stabbing, no defensive pincer movement to oust one of their colleagues. In a surprise twist, Suralan announces that Empire, with their crappy cheapness and bad jokes win by a couple of hundred quid but that is mainly thanks to the Princess Polyester herself, who the production company thinks, Sir A informs us, is the bee's knees. The excitement on James’ face is palpable. He missed out when the teams got to race the fast cars about, now he and the gals can do loop-de-loops in little aeroplanes.

Poor old Ignite, could this be the end for Lozza and her Instinct? I think not, I knew when the programme started that we’d see her here for the interview round. But I still can’t decide which way it will go: Howard or Kate? In all fairness, Howie did a good, if measured job, no feathers ruffled, but Kate, well, she was all just a bit bleurgh. She didn’t shine (apart from her knashers) so I was half expecting Suralan to give her the bump off. And says Margaret, dear Lorraine is like Sir Alan himself, with her big pushy instinct, she has got something about her, and not just a boss-eye and propensity to waffle nonsense.

But no, in these tough times, says Sir Alan, he needs a good salesperson, not a fence sitter and certainly not someone who is, God forbid, risk adverse, so it’s adieu to Howard Ebison and his pointy teef. You’re Fired!

Ooh, that makes it nearly an all girl final – James, apparently feeling like Hugh Hefner (100 years old and stuffed with viagra?) is about to be tested to the max in next week’s interview task – where we get to see the candidates ripped limb from limb. Roll on Wednesday!