Week 11: The interview from hell

Last night I could hardly contain my excitement, not only was it the one I had been waiting for but we were also treated to an hour long in-depth analysis of the five remaining candidates, which mainly involved yellowed photos of them as little nippers building sandcastles on Beachy Head, and parents claiming that their little darling was always a bright spark destined for success. I was only sorry that the little weasels, Ben and Phillip, weren’t featured as I wanted to see A) whether Philip’s parents were as incomprehensible as he and B) which of Ben’s parents had passed on the no-chin gene.

On to the semis! So having been called to some desolate building full of glass and sharp edges (never a good omen), the candidates are welcomed by Suralan who informs them they have no task today, other than surviving Sir A’s cronies of course. And from the off it appears that they are on commission: only it’s not cash they have to pump out of the would-be apprentices, it’s fear, sweat and tears and maybe a few other bodily fluids. What’s more, this year the line-up has changed. Karren Brady, first lady of football is back representing for the women, Claude: ‘global trouble-shooter’ Littner, who eats interviewees for breakfast, lunch and dinner, sour-faced Nick looky-likey; Bordan Tkachuk, CEO of computer and IT firm Viglen and new boy; Alan Watts, a litigation partner at law firm, Herbert Smith who seems to be playing good cop to everyone else’s bad cop.

First in is Yasmina who looks smugly confident, spouts about how great she is and generally seems a bit up her own arse. Her bum barely touches the chair before Claude tears into her – first producing her business accounts and then ripping them to shreds (metaphorically). Yasmina stammers and fluffs over the figures and fails to tell her net from her gross. Bad show. However, I love how she skips out of the interview like a gambolling lamb declaring to the waiting candidates that Claude is a lovely man and it went ‘really well.’

James, who is sitting in a pool of his own sweat before he’s even left the waiting room, is next up. He’s been very quick to put his hands up to his numerous verbal goofs over the course of the series but I was really surprised that he had made such gaffes on his CV. Now forgive me if I’m wrong, but I thought that James worked for a Telco, not a brothel. Money spunking aside, I can’t imagine that ‘bringing ignorance to the table’ could ever be a good thing, for a start, ignorance has terrible manners and slurps its soup too loudly. How he even got past the application stage for the programme, I’ll never know. His big red eyes brim with tears, he babbles and let’s not even think about how he’s coping with his little stress incontinence problem.

On to Debra – who it was immediately pointed out, no one can work with, everyone hates, she should just go and eat some worms. Still she seems to come out relatively unscathed – even when Karren probes her about why she’s such a total cow to work with, she maintains her steely gaze.

Now, maybe it is nerves, maybe it is some complex and cunning ploy to win over her accusers, but Lorraine, God love her, suddenly comes over all ‘top o the morning.’ Although she has Irish roots, I always thought of her as more Gatwick than Limerick. Had it not been for the extra 12 months’ service she whacked on the end of her last job, she may have had a relatively smooth experience, apart from the fact that she is totally bonkers. Even the instinct seemed to back off when Bordan Tkachuk asked her to read his mind – I mean c’mon, if ever there was a time to shine...

Kate-bot is last to face the tirade of the cronies and manages to beam her way through and one by one dazzled by her toothy Stepford wife grin, the male interviewers fall victim, and she deftly annihilates them with her laser beams fired from her teeth. But then comes Brady, and Kate-bot’s comments about whiny, moaning, bitchy women and how Kate-bot hates working with them, is quickly picked apart while me and the rest of woman-kind throw dagger looks at the telly.

Interviews over, the candidates and what’s left of James head to the boardroom to face the firing squad. The Cronies are all lined up and tell Sir Alan in no uncertain terms that James is a funny, old buffoon, Lorraine is mad as a box of frogs, Debra is aggressive but young, so that can be beaten out of her by Sir Alan’s henchmen, Kate-bot is great but lacks a human soul and Yasmina is a bonefidee entrepreneur, but what on earth is she doing here?

Sir Alan seems to have made up his mind and calls in the candidates. James, he says is lovely, funny and ooh, just lovely, but he’s a corporate type and there is no room for that is Suralan’s massively corporate corporation (eh?) but he does get a ‘with regret’ and seeing as they have been a bit thin on the ground this series, it must mean the big man actually liked him.

In a shock emotional moment, Debra starts crying! Was there some big romance afoot that I was unaware of? Sir A dismisses them to compose themselves outside, it’s all very touching. He then wastes no time in telling Lorraine she’s fired and she exits, leaving Yas, Debs and Kate-bot. At this point, I think that it might be Debra and Yasmina, although I suspect that with such a clean sheet, Kate-bot is a pretty sure, if boring bet. It comes down to the wire, and in that final breath, Debra knows what’s coming, she’ll be ok, and Sir A will be spared a whole host of employee tribunals. Yasmina and Kate-bot are the finalists!

We haven’t seen an all girl final since the Badger and Dewberry face-off way back in series two, so it should be interesting. My bet is on Yasmina purely because she is feisty and fun and has shown true entrepreneurial spirit, but Kate-bot is most likely rewiring her circuit boards for Mission Success as I type, but we shall see!

Oh and in case the million and one reminders being shown on the Beeb have escaped your notice the final is THIS SUNDAY!!!! I will be live blogging this from my very own sofa, so please tune in by clicking here.

Until Sunday...