Tale telling pterodactyls

So week 11 came and went and last night's gruelling interviews with Surallun's cohorts made mincemeat out of our wannabe Apprentices. I love this stage of the process as it's actually what us 'normal' folk go through to get jobs, y'know? And being as they are supposedly the sharpest business minds in Britain, I waited with anticipation for the slaughter to begin. And I wasn't disappointed.

The usual suspects were present: Sir Alan's former global trouble-shooter, Claude Littner, vociferous property developer Paul Kemsley, chief executive of Viglen Computers, Bordan Tkachuck and this year, Karren Brady, the managing director of Birmingham City FC and bonefidee woman, joined the team.

No one really came across that well in my opinion, perhaps Helene was the most eloquent when she wasn't peppering her statements with expletives. Referring to one's colleagues as 'gob sh***s' is probably not the best choice of word in a job interview, neither is telling big, fat porkie-pies. Now, let's just stop here for a moment. Imagine you are a recruitment specialist and you are going to be on telly. Wouldn't you a) spell check your CV to make sure you didn't misspell easy words like, say, 'tomorrow'? and b) make damn sure that you don't commit interview suicide by lying about your credentials. Even the most perfect reverse pterodactyl impression won't get you out of that pickle, Lee McQueen.

But for me, the saddest thing was the demise of the greater-bereted one. Oh Lucinda *shakes head in despair* I had such high hopes for you! After the ice-cream task and the subsequent wedding dress task, I really thought you would come through for me. You could literally see the glimmer of fire in her belly hiss and die as the cold waters of realisation were sloshed all over it by those nasty interviewers. She knew she didn't really want to be in Surallun's corporate back-stabby business world.

Her acid bright outfits and jaunty berets would only serve to confuse the suit-wearing execs. The whiff of jasmine and rose bud that I imagine surrounds her would clash horribly with Eau de Ego – a scent favoured by the corporate masses. She just didn't fit in. However, to be honest, she's already making £100K a year quite happily and is free to be her own boss, so good luck to her.

On to Claire, who, in keeping with the character we have witnessed over the course of the series, barked and shouted her way thorough the interviews but darnnit, she came across very well and all the interviewers agreed that our Clurr would make a fine Apprentice, albeit a shouty, stampy one with surprised eyebrows.

Astonishingly, despite Alex falling flat on his face in the interviews, those handsome features worked their magic. He fawned and fluttered, blushed and beamed at anyone who so much as looked at him. But he still came across as really drab. Aww, I hear you say, poor lamb, he's only 24 - what do you expect?

The boardroom discussions proved very contrary – some liked Alex, some didn't. Lee's fib was kind of brushed under the carpet, like an embarrassing family secret, because he's so funny, so entertaining and, my gosh, isn't he a diamond in the rough?

Everyone ooh-ed and ahh-ed at Helene's terrible childhood – which, while sad, still doesn't explain her complete lack of personality. Claire was probably the one they agreed was the best while poor old Lu-Lu, was hardly given a chance.

And the vultures were circling to pick over her bones when it came to the firing squad. Alex piped up first, claiming that he needs the job. But to be honest, with the grotesque amount of money they all earn anyway, none of them need the job. At least Lu-Lu was honest about it. It was too late though as the finger was aimed and Lucinda was fired.

So my suspicions were correct! It's going to be a four-candidate final and next week and it should be fab. The trailer has already hinted at what we can look forward to: Lee becoming unravelled, Alex looking pasty whilst chewing his lips to shreds, Claire shouting a lot and Helene talking about just how many balls she has. I did wonder...